When a friend experiences the loss of a loved one, we naturally want to offer comfort and support, yet many of us are unsure of what to say or do. The fear of saying the wrong thing, or of intruding, can sometimes lead us to do nothing at all, leaving a friend feeling even more alone. This guide offers empathetic advice on how to genuinely help and support a bereaved friend, from what to say to how to support them practically.
Everyone grieves differently
Grief is not a linear process with defined stages. Rather, it’s a swirling vortex of emotions that can include sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and even relief. Each person grieves differently, depending on their relationship with the person who has died, their life experiences, cultural background, and personal coping mechanisms. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve, and there’s certainly no timeline for healing. Your friend might appear ‘fine’ one day and be utterly distraught the next. Accepting this unpredictable reality is the first step in supporting them.
Simply being there
Often, the most profound support comes not from grand gestures or eloquent speeches, but from simply being present. This sends a powerful message: “You are not alone in this.” This doesn’t necessarily mean constant physical proximity; it can mean regular check-ins, a thoughtful message, or being available to listen without judgment.
Truly listen: When your friend wants to talk, truly listen. This means giving them your full attention, allowing them to express their feelings without interruption, and resisting the urge to offer platitudes or immediate solutions. Phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “At least they had a long life” can feel dismissive or invalidating to someone grappling with intense pain. Instead, validate their feelings: “That sounds incredibly difficult,” or “I can only imagine how much you must miss them.” Sometimes, silence is the most comforting response, signalling that you are holding space for their pain.
Offer empathy, not sympathy: Sympathy creates a distance, an “I feel bad for you.” Empathy, on the other hand, is about trying to understand and share their feelings: “I can see how much this is hurting you.” It’s about meeting them where they are, without trying to fix or alter their experience.
Practical ways to support your friend
Grief is exhausting, both emotionally and physically. Daily tasks that were once routine can feel impossible. This is where practical help can be invaluable. Don’t just say, “Let me know if you need anything”. A grieving person may not have the energy or clarity of mind to ask for help. Instead, offer something specific.
Food and sustenance: Preparing meals, bringing over groceries, or arranging for a meal delivery service can be a huge relief. Eating can feel like a chore for someone grieving, and having nourishing food readily available ensures your friend is at least sustained. Consider easy-to-reheat options or comfort foods they enjoy.
Household chores and errands: Offer to help with laundry, cleaning, gardening, or walking their dog. Run errands like picking up prescriptions, returning library books, or dealing with post. These small acts can free up mental and physical energy for your friend to focus on their grief.
Managing appointments and notifications: The administrative burden after a death can be overwhelming.. While some tasks are deeply personal, you could offer to sit with them as they make difficult phone calls, help them organise paperwork, or even draft simple emails.
Childcare or pet care: If your friend has children or pets, offer to look after them for a few hours, allowing your friend some much-needed time to themselves, whether for rest, reflection, or to attend to necessary arrangements.
Help them with the administrative burden
The sheer amount of administrative tasks following a bereavement can be incredibly draining for someone who is grieving. From notifying utility companies and banks to dealing with pensions and subscriptions, the process can feel endless and incredibly repetitive, requiring the same difficult conversations to be had over and over again. You can offer specific support to your friend, or point them towards resources that can help.
Assisting with paperwork, helping to compile lists of companies to notify, or even just sitting with them while they tackle these tasks can be a comfort. It’s often the cumulative weight of these practicalities, on top of emotional pain, that becomes overwhelming.
We’ve created this guide to help you understand who to inform when someone dies. From the tax office, local council, banks, and utility companies to subscriptions, loyalty schemes, broadband and mobile phone providers, there are a lot of people who need to be notified.
And, if your friend needs extra support, Life Ledger can help close, freeze or transfer accounts with more than 1,000 organisations registered to our service.
Be there for the long haul
When someone dies, there’s an immediate outpouring of love and support, but this can dwindle over time. Grief doesn’t disappear in a few weeks or months. It’s a long journey, and being there for your friend over the months and years to come is important.
Marking anniversaries and milestones: The first holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries without their loved one can be incredibly painful. Remember these dates and reach out. A simple text acknowledging the day, a card, or an invitation to spend time together (if they’re up to it) can make a huge difference.
Continuing invitations: Don’t stop inviting your friend to social gatherings, even if they frequently decline. The act of being invited signals that they are still valued and remembered, and they’ll come when they feel ready. Just make sure they know there’s no pressure to attend.
Be prepared for ups and downs: Your friend might have days where they seem to be coping well, and then suddenly hit a wall. Don’t take it personally if their mood shifts or if they become withdrawn. Their emotions are constantly changing, and the kind of support they need might change too.
What not to say to someone who is grieving
While well-intentioned, some actions can inadvertently cause more pain:
- Minimising their pain: “Be strong,” “You’ll get over it,” “It was their time.”
- Comparing losses: “I know how you feel, when my dog died…” Every grief is unique.
- Giving unsolicited advice: Unless they specifically ask, avoid telling them what they ‘should’ be doing.
- Disappearing: Don’t let your discomfort lead you to abandon your friend.
- Pressuring them to ‘move on’: There’s no race to recover.
Look after yourself too
Supporting a grieving friend can be emotionally taxing. It’s important to acknowledge your own feelings and ensure you are looking after yourself. Don’t be afraid to take breaks, talk to someone you trust about how you’re feeling, and set boundaries. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and looking after your own well-being will enable you to provide more sustainable support to your friend.
Let us support you
Life Ledger was founded by people who experienced for themselves how difficult and time consuming the death notification process can be.
We want to save you time on endless calls and paperwork and reduce the stress and worry of sharing your difficult news countless times.
Our easy-to-use service means you can track progress, directly contact more than 1,000 companies through our platform, and upload necessary documents securely, all from one place.
We treat all information provided to us with the utmost care and security. Our Cyber Essentials certificate, regular security and penetration testing means you can be reassured of us protecting your data.Find out how we can support you here.
